KateNasser.com

Leaders, recognize employees for their individual strengths and talents and spark employee engagement. Plenty of studies support this claim. Plenty of leaders think this means company recognition programs, awards, and celebratory events.

That’s nice yet nothing sparks other human souls like sincere appreciation of their worthy unique strengths.

Let your people-skills shine and applaud the employees’ natural talents with worthy kudos. No matter the age, the gender, the occupation, or the title, the employees connect with the future when you spotlight their present strengths.

As you read through this list, think of the potential joy, energy, and engagement these kudos can spark.

12 Worthy Kudos to Spark Employee Engagement

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1. Organized without being rigid. In this day of do more with less, information overload, and enterprise integration of everything, organized people who can flex and adapt are a treasure to any business. Tell them. Applaud it!




2. Thirsty for knowledge and application. Business is moving fast and furious to fulfill the present and create the future. Employees who are constantly learning and applying it are both the fuel and the ballast for success. There’s a worthy kudo!




3. Sensing potential and spotting futility. Employees who can accurately sense when to advance an initiative and when to recommend scrubbing it propel the organization forward and prevent it from falling. Laud this worthy talent.




4. Tough, thorough, and reliable. How often do you overlook those that you can totally depend on? Change it. Tell them how much you truly appreciate their constancy and commitment.




5. Intuitively strong. Today’s focus on data sometimes minimizes those who use their intuition for everyone’s benefit. They move highly data driven people from stagnation to appropriate risk taking. Applaud their worthy insight.




6. Analytic and creative. These two talents are often thought of as mutually exclusive. They aren’t. There are employees who can create ideas and analyze to implement it. These dual talents also serve well to bring teams together for project success. How about another round of applause here!




7. Passionate and restrained. Passion is inspiration that renews itself and energizes others. It takes passion to ignite success and restraint to stay on course. Employees who contribute both make your job as leader easier. Worthy of applause and gratitude!




8. Positive and realistic. A positive attitude sustains everyone and realism sharpens the vision and prevents being blind sided. Successful entrepreneurs have and value it. If your employees have this, it’s worthy of a compliment!




9. Grateful. Employees who live their lives with gratitude often minimize workplace drama. Their inner sense of happiness and control filters noise instead of reacting to it. They aren’t doormats yet they easily see what truly matters and let the rest of the baloney fall away. They bring balance to new teams. Offer gratitude for their gratefulness!




10. Remarkable in people-skills. Great people-skills are the daily life blood of an organization. Interacting skillfully with each other, with customers, suppliers, regulators, auditors, and the media in a multitude of settings delivers success to the business. Don’t drain the lifeblood by ignoring it. Replenish it with an occasional remark of worthy appreciation.




11. Resourceful. Employees that shine in creative problem solving convert obstacles into pathways of success. Who in your organization is highly resourceful? Tell them how it makes a difference!




12. Confident. Distinctly different from arrogance, confidence delivers great presentations, strength in new challenges, accountability for results, and willing ownership of mistakes. Show your appreciation for this maturity. It’s worthy of it.

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Noticing and applauding employees’ talents and strengths sparks joy and engagement. Who wouldn’t want to commit when they see and hear their value?

Sales teams get to see it in money. Show it to non-sales teams in your reflection, remarks of appreciation and worthy kudos. It’s a no cost and high return investment!


I welcome your additions to this list. What other employee talents and strengths have you applauded?

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

Related Post: Leaders, 10 Ways to Ignite Greatness Without Leaving Scars

©2012 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please first email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on customer service & experience, teamwork, and leading change. Kate turns interaction obstacles into business success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.

In this day of fast paced connections, it’s smart to fine tune our people-skills to perform like a Ferrari.

We must be quickly aware of and adapt to conditions, select the right speed of interaction, and pick the right words to communicate — all with style. Quite a challenge!

So let’s fast track it with quality components (knowledge) and then road test (practice) and maintain it with continued learning.

Image by:Crystal666 via Creative Commons License

Fast Track Knowledge for People-skills Performance

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1. Make brevity effective not rude. Skip the emotionally inflaming phrases and speak with simple honesty.




2. Be confident in your knowledge and deliver it humbly. It’s easier to appreciate the knowledge and respect the person when arrogance is not fogging the view.




3. Influence don’t manipulate. Abandon questions like don’t you think and replace them with open-ended questions that produce true understanding.




4. Listen don’t label. Labels build barriers; listening builds collaborative success.




5. Deliver results without running over people. What you ponder, you create. If you think of positive ways to succeed, your communication and people-skills will follow suit.




6. Express opinions as opinion, not as decrees. There is a time and place for certainty and a time and place to consider other possibilities. You earn great respect for being able to do both.




7. Opposing views can lead to new discoveries. Opposing each other leads nowhere. Where do you want to go?




8. Optimism and skepticism are healthy; pessimism is poison. An optimistic outlook and some protective skepticism lift all to tangible success. Pessimism drains the life out of everyone you touch. How do you want to touch others? Choose wisely.

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See you on the highway to success as we handle the curves with ease and style!

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

Related post: 7 Steps From Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest

©2012 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines, action footage, and customer results.

Leaders, people-skills are critical to success. Yet in a demanding business pace, people-skills are often last on the learning list.

Luckily leaders and teams can build proficient people-skills while attending to critical business. The proficiency starts with attitude and flows into people-skills’ behavior!

Hold and Use These 10 Thoughts

1. An open mind creates phenomenal results.

   Most people feel respected, honored, and uplifted by an open mind. Both in output and in morale, it produces positive results. There are some exceptions yet overall it is a winning thought. Build proficient people-skills from an open mind.




2. Teams strengthen a leader’s reality.

   When we remember that our vision, understanding, and experience gains momentum with a team’s perspective, we are more likely to respect their input and collaboration. Build proficient people-skills from this awareness.




3. Understanding people leads to influence.

   Most leadership is actually influence in action. To effectively influence others — team members, customers, and even your boss — understand what they care about. Knowledge of others builds proficient people-skills.




4. Know when your people-skills naturally shine.

   Complete this sentence: I am best at people-skills when ____________________________. Identify when you usually interact well with others. Is it when you are happy? Confident? Relieved? Celebrating? Respected? In need? In difficulty? When is it? Capture what you do during these times and apply it across the board. Your natural pattern can build proficient people-skills.




5. People-skills deliver in tough times.

   Contrary to popular belief, people-skills are not a sign of weakness. In tough times you can draw on the good will you have built through people-skills to deliver otherwise unachievable results. “Because of our long standing relationship, I’ll do it for you.” That’s an homage to your great people-skills!




6. People-skills are not just for extroverts.

   If you are more introverted than extroverted, repaint the image you have about people-skills. It is not about gregarious, outspoken, high energy behavior. People-skills is stepping outside of your own perspective to understand and interact effectively with others. High extroverts have just as much adaptation to make as introverts. Both can succeed if they seek to understand.




7. Bonds are not bondage.

   Many leaders having a driver personality crave end results not relationships. In fact, many believe that bonds with others are a detour to success and a trap that stops them just short of the finish line. Yet unless these leaders truly do everything themselves to reach success, bonds with others are the road to the finish line. Knowing the difference between bonds and bondage builds proficient people-skills.




8. Finding fault stops progress; finding solutions ignites success.

   One of the riskiest people-skills moments for leaders is during a crisis or failure. That trigger voice that says: “Who’s at fault?” can bury future collaboration forever. Great people-skills can guide the organization back to success and to a culture of accountability. A focus on success, not blame, can build proficient people-skills.




9. If you overlook team problems, success overlooks your teams.

   Morale matters. It impacts results. Team member people-skills affect morale of the team and the results of the organization. “They are not children. Let them work it out themselves.” These beliefs cost the organization money and sacrifice success. Accept the truth about morale and you build proficient people-skills.




10. Get over being comfortable; get versatile.

    Global business success requires constant growth which means the discomfort of change. Focus on the versatility that people-skills bring to your success and you will build proficient people-skills!

Thoughts drive behavior and create a chain of reactions. Hold these thoughts about people-skills and build valuable bonds that strengthen results.


Which of these thoughts rings loudest to you? Or would you add to or delete something from this list?

From professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


Related Post: Leaders, 10 Ways to Ignite Greatness Without Leaving Scars

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please first email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on leading change, customer service, customer experience, and teamwork. She turns interaction obstacles into business success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.

The word leader used to mean strong, directive, and sometimes unfeeling. That picture has shifted to less directive and more in touch with employees’ needs.


Yet where is the balance between results-focused and people-focused? In tough moments …

Are you too nice to lead?

Image by: SeanbJack via Creative Commons License


There are team members who want, welcome, and will only work for a nice leader — until they see that the nice leader won’t address poor performance and cannot negotiate tough issues with other teams and management.

They feel unprotected and at the mercy of slacking team members and other teams. So much for being nice!


Too Nice to Lead

Leaders, could this be you? How or when is this most likely to happen?

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1. With Fear of Conflict. If you tend to avoid conflict and want people to just work things out for themselves, you may be seen as too nice to lead.
   Alternative: Get a coach to help you develop your conflict resolution skills. Great leaders move past their fear. They know when to step in and even teach others how to work together.




2. In Times of Great Change. In everyday work, your teams think of you as a very effective leader. Then the organization announces a major change and you must lead your teams through it. The tension rises and your teams resist. In this moment of truth, do you lead them forward? If you cave in to their objections and resistance, your boss may see you as too nice to lead.
   Alternative: Have the courage to draw on the good will you have with your team. Show them you believe in them and in the change. If you don’t believe it, why should they?




3. When You Require Emotional Support. Being humble and less directive can be good for your team because the void taps their talent and commitment. Being less confident and needing constant emotional support can scare the bejeebers out of them and earn you the label of too nice or weak to lead.
   Alternative: Learn and understand the interplay between being confident and being humble. Confidence is strength for your team. Humbleness opens the door to growth. Both are valuable leadership traits. Lack of confidence isn’t.




4. If You Must Be Liked. Needing to be liked can steer you to many poor leadership behaviors. It can drive you to sacrifice results for the virtual hug. This can earn you the label of too nice to lead.
   Alternative: Develop relationships outside of work that can fulfill this deep need. At work, focus on the balance of interpersonal connection and end results.




5. When You Get Promoted. Picture yourself leading your former peers and maybe even being a peer of your former boss. Guilt or feelings of unworthiness can make you seem timid or too solicitous. This can earn you the label of too nice to lead.
   Alternative: Your boss or another leader put their faith in you. You were promoted for a reason. The team you lead needs your courage and talent. Even if some team members grouse in jealousy, the team’s success depends on your willingness to do the job. Embrace the responsibility you were given; don’t trigger the decision maker’s doubt and regret. Believe in yourself, the purpose, and the team. Lead.




6. If You Own Their Behavior. When you mistakenly believe that you are responsible for a team member’s behavior, you are at risk of giving an errant employee too many chances. You may take their behavior as your failure. If you are coaching one of your team members and they are not making progress, would you be able to tell them they are no longer on the team? If not, you may earn the label of too nice to lead.
   Alternative: Afford your team members the adult responsibility of owning their own behavior. Coach, teach, guide — yes. Own their behavior? No.




7. When Your Career is Paramount. When you care about your career growth more than the current position, you may automatically say yes to other teams or management requests instead of using appropriate assessment and thought. You are busy pleasing everyone else and your current team’s success may suffer. If you are lucky, this may earn you the label of too nice to lead. If you are not lucky, it may earn you a different label that isn’t fit for print. Either way, it’s not what a great leader does.
   Alternative: Let current successes, appropriate interactions, and great negotiation pave your career path.

As the definition of leadership has shifted from rough directive behavior to engaging employees, some leaders have veered off course and focused only on happiness.

Rediscover the balance and you foster success for all!

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Leadership is not about telling or asking; it’s knowing when to do each.

Leadership is not about people or results; it’s about people achieving results.

Leadership is not one consistent approach; it’s using the best approach for the situation.

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You can be liked and fail as a leader; you can be disliked and fail as a leader.

You succeed when you balance purpose and people, encouraging and deciding, listening and speaking up.


I wish you courage and strength and the insight to know how to use it.

From professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please first email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

Related Post: Leaders, Are Your Direct Reports a Wart on the Arm of Progress

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers coaching, consulting, training, and keynotes on leading change, customer service, customer experience, and teamwork. She turns interaction obstacles into business success. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.

Email is still alive and well. How about the people who received your last email? Was the email clear, concise, and respectful? Or did emotion creep in and rile the issue and people’s sensibilities?

As I teach people skills to corporate teams, they continue to raise one persistent issue – how best to respond to negative emails. Without a doubt, we can diffuse a negative email more effectively through true conversation than through another email.

Beyond that, take steps to ensure that the email we write is not negative — lest we start or feed an e-war!

Let us never forget that …

The E of Email Does Not Mean Emotion

Wouldn’t we feel silly saying to a teammate or customer, I will send you an “emotion mail” later today. Yet workplace colleagues write them!

A recent emotion mail sent to me by an online colleague (not a customer) serves up some great lessons. Here’s the original emotion mail and an alternate approach.

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Hi Kate,
I find your blog posts to be consistently well-written and valuable. They nicely reflect my own sentiments towards customers too. It’s my hope that by sharing links to them on Twitter and other SM platforms, readers benefit from the insightful material and you benefit from the exposure you clearly deserve.

After reading your most recent post – which I was about to post on Twitter – I noticed this in the footer: “If you want to re-post or republish this post …”. If it were anyone else I would have immediately decided that I don’t have time to address the ambiguity and never post anything from them again.

However, in this case, I’m assuming that I may be misreading your intent. Please clarify: is your statement intended to dissuade people from posting links to your material on Social Media platforms?

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The emotion about addressing the amibguity and never posting anything from them again minimizes the compliments of the opening paragraph.

If we were to send this type of email to a teammate or a customer, it could put the relationship at risk.

What if the email were written like this:

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Hi Kate,
I noticed the footer on your blog post “If you want to re-post or republish …”. Wasn’t sure what it meant. Is it OK to put the links to your blog posts on Twitter without permission each time? I find your blog posts valuable and love to share them. Let me know! Many thanks…”

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Which version of the email would you rather receive — the original or the alternate approach?


4 Tips to Turn Emotion Mails into Positive Emails

1. Know our purpose for sending the email. In the original emotion mail above, what is the purpose? To clarify the meaning of the footer? or to vent frustration about being confused? If we admit the true purpose to ourselves, we can choose not to send the negative email and send a positive one instead.




2. Simple and clear beats wordy and emotional. People get scads of emails. We increase the chances that people will read email by keeping it simple and politely getting to the point. The best part of emotion to use in an email is emotional intelligence (EI).




3. The more emotion we use at someone, the harder it is to effect a change. If we want a teammate to change some behavior, using emotion at them can make it tougher for them to do just that — even if they agree with our requested change! Let them change while saving face. Less is more in this case.




4. Formal sometimes seems rude. Surprised to read this? When we have something negative to say, couching it in formal language doesn’t make it positive. It sounds like formal negativity and can seem rude to others.

   If we have something negative to say to a teammate, best to communicate what we want instead of what we don’t want. State how we want to be treated instead of how we don’t want to be treated. Use I statements instead of you statements. This avoids accusations and still communicates honestly, clearly, and respectfully — in a positive manner.

My advice to corporate teams: “We shine in people-skills when we communicate positively not negatively and forward not back.”

It’s critical in delivering customer service and truly appreciated in teamwork.


What other tips will you offer here to turn emotion mails into positive emails?


From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this blog post in part or in whole, please email info@katenasser.com for terms of use. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on the ultimate customer service experience, teamwork, and leading change. Kate turns interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results.

As leaders, how we say things impacts both results and future interactions. If our words are future focused, we lead to the future. We inspire a learning culture.

When our words take employees back to the past, we create a guarded blaming culture and lead nowhere.

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Phrases like:

“I would have thought we would have …”

 or “we should have …”

are blaming statements badly disguised as “we’re all in this together”.

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Let’s Not Lead Back to the Future

Short Story. A recently promoted director of customer satisfaction, walked up to his former boss at the end of a training program that she helped design and said “I would have thought we would have approached this subject in another way.” He had provided no input during the development of the training program yet spoke with derision. Those around just stared at him. What was his goal?

Lesson. If we want to lead forward, let’s use forward focused words. “Going forward, I suggest xyz in phase II.” In this approach, the director would be contributing and leading forward, not back, to the future — like a know-it-all nit!

To do this, it helps to …

1. Want to encourage others instead of correcting others.
2. Consider that there are different views not just one view.
3. Believe that we don’t ever have the perfect answer.
4. Assess the emotional needs of others when trying to achieve results with them.

The newly promoted director, in the story above, is a Six Sigma Black Belt. His focus is to find root causes of customer satisfaction problems and improve them.

Root cause analysis is extremely valuable especially when it spawns future improvements. Whereas, black belting people about what they should have done leaves scars that impact future interactions and results.

Leading people back to the future with criticism demoralizes them with a blaming culture. Leading them forward — to the next times with lessons and insight — breeds commitment and outstanding future results.

Let us always remember that people-skills and emotional intelligence are just as important as vision, intellect, data, and drive in achieving the end results.

And the good news is, the words next time and going forward, are two no cost leadership phrases with dual power. They both inspire and deliver!

What do you think? Do words make a difference?


From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on customer service, teamwork, and leading change. She turns interaction obstacles into business success in tough times of change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results.

A recent Twitter chat called leadfromwithin raised a question in my mind that affects every leader and manager especially in times of change. When you attempt to inspire teams with your passion, do you scar them or ignite their greatness? 

Passion that burns others undermines the goal.

Passion that ignites others fuels success.

 

10 Ways to Ignite Greatness Without Leaving Scars

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1. Keep Your Mind Open. When your mind is open to different ways of reaching the end goal, your passion ignites the team’s ideas and greatness. If you close your mind to ideas, it scars the team’s spirit and douses their passion.




2. Establish the limits of freedom. That might seem like an oxymoron yet it is true. If there are boundaries, state them and then let innovation, creativity, and great talent surface and develop. If you pretend there are no boundaries and inflict them later, it scars the team’s work rhythm and their trust. When boundaries legitimately change, communicate them clearly.




3. Become a geyser of goodwill. The more times you communicate the positives (when they are true), the more trust and goodwill you build with the team. This goodwil builds the team’s strength to then hear the negatives with objectivity. The sum ignites greatness.




4. Be honest not blunt. Honesty that doesn’t insult catapults all to greatness. Bluntness leaves emotional scars that toughen future interactions. Classic wisdom says: Attack the idea not the I. That’s a good start. I add, “Disagree without being disagreeable.”




5. Question before feedback. Your passion for the vision or goal, will scar others if you give negative feedback before understanding their actions. You also scar your credibility and their trust in you.




6. Refine your message to critical points. Passion has the power to confuse. It causes you to leave out critical information that can ignite the team’s greatness. Exercise: Write your message as a headline and then the bullet points to support it. It is annoying when you first start. Once you know how, your communication will ignite the team’s greatness.




7. Show You Are Listening. Ever work for leaders who are so passionate that they keep blazing new trails without showing you they heard your concerns? Don’t be a listening leader who appears deaf. Dialogues ignite actionable greatness.
   
   

8. See Talent in Mistakes. A team’s greatness is harnessed through individual contributions to the same goal. Differences in talent and perspective often produce outcomes that you might see as mistakes in light of the end goal. You can also see the talent that produces those unexpected outcomes to ignite future greatness.




9. Recognize Initiative and Celebrate Learning. One uncomfortable truth about igniting greatness is that not all team members will want to be great or rise to greatness. Leaders and managers, with heart, mistakenly minimize greatness in the quest for team harmony. The good news is there’s a better way. If you recognize those who are showing more initiative and achieving greatness and also celebrate all that are learning, you preserve team harmony without sacrificing greatness.




10. What is #10? How do you make sure your passion ignites greatness without scarring others?

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From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on customer service, teamwork, and leading change. She turns interaction obstacles into business success in tough times of change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results.

As The People-Skills Coach™, I have written before on steps from brutally blunt to helpfully honest. Yet for those who are inspired by logic to change behavior, it bears listing the smart logical reasons why bluntness bombs out.

5 Smart Logical Reasons Blunt Bombs Out

1. No Warm-Up. Picture your bluntness as very cold water. If we push someone into a cold swimming pool, they remember the shock. If we let them wade in, they adjust to the temperature and can function. Thus if we want people to function and use our message, we shouldn’t shock them with bluntness.




2. Punching Dulls the Brain. Punching bags are not known for their performance. They hang and swing. If we are being blunt to effect a change, those we verbally punch may swing away from us yet they are not likely to understand or change behavior.




3. Bluntness builds barriers. Communication is for connection. Bluntness can create a busy signal — a barrier — between communicator and listener. If someone isn’t listening, your message bombs out.




4. Bluntness undermines respect and credibility. The strength of the message is weakened by the rudeness of the approach. Who is going to respect and believe the message delivered by a blunt creton?




5. Bluntness breaks bonds. Unless we each live as hermits, we interact with people to survive and thrive. Many times the same people more than once. Bluntness may get our words out but bombs out by breaking the bonds with those around us. It may even create vengeful feelings and instigate a war (verbal or hidden).

Many people resort to bluntness, out of frustration, when diplomatic honesty hasn’t worked. Others simply lose patience with those of less intelligence.

Yet when we reach the end of the rope, why cut it with bluntness? Unless we need to use bluntness to save a life or prevent death, hold on to the rope!

Take a moment and tap intellect, logic, and smarts to find a way to communicate with honesty and respect.

From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


Related Post: Leadership & Teamwork: Honesty May Hurt But Blunt Burns Forever

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on customer service, teamwork, and leading change. She turns interaction obstacles into business success in tough times of change. See this site for workshop outlines and customer results.

Do you think that emotional intelligence is hard to learn? The ability to understand how people want to be treated is something you can develop — if you know where to start.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t start with a list of clues. It doesn’t start with psychic strength.

Emotional intelligence starts

as an invitation that waits for a response.

 

The heart of emotional intelligence is showing smeone that you honor their choice for interaction even if you don’t know how they want to be treated.  It’s like extending an invitation for a connection and waiting for a response instead of ordering someone to interact with you.

When you honor their choice and consent on how to be treated, you will be seen as having some emotional intelligence.  Why? Because it shows …

1. You are thinking of them not just yourself or your goal.
2. You understand that human differences exist and impact results.
3. You will listen to both your desires and their needs.
4. You see value in balancing interests to reach a common outcome.
5. You know that a person’s needs can vary daily depending on stress level, goal, etc…
6. You believe they are worth the effort to adapt – in other words, they matter!

And there’s more good news even if you are not highly intuitive.  You can honor differences and display some emotional intelligence simply by posing a question instead of making a statement.

For example, in a doctor’s office the nurse can say either: “Please get on the scale.” or “Will you step on the scale please?” The first is a statement that does not invite interaction. The second is a question that honors choice and asks for consent. The bonus is the nurse will start to learn how the customer wants to be treated through response.

Now for the caution. Here are obstacles to your great start in emotional intelligence:

1. The need to be in full control.  You are likely to bark orders vs. invite interaction.
2. The fear you will appear weak.  You are likely to sacrifice connection to protect your image of strength.
3. You just don’t care. One person told me he chose not to because it was just too much trouble.

Emotional intelligence is a sign of maturity and greatly valued in today’s global business setting.  The choice is yours. If you honor others’ choices you will earn their respect and achieve more than you can by yourself.

 

What else would you add to this list of obstacles to emotional intelligence?

What has helped you develop EI?

 

From my professional experience to your success,

Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes on customer service, teamwork, and interpersonal success in business. See this site for workshop outlines, keynote footage, and customer results.
 

As The People-Skills Coach™ , I often teach others how to deal with people’s anger in the workplace. Does your boss yell sometimes? Has a team member suddenly become edgy with you? Has a customer surprised you with a yell?

If you prefer that everyone calmly communicate and never yell, you need this professional people-skill to find nirvana:

Hear the urgency before the yell.

Quite often when the boss, a teammate, or a customer yells, you have missed the urgency they were communicating before the yell.

Common leadership and teamwork beliefs encourage open honest communication without anger or yelling. Yet this requires something of both the speaker and the listener.

In the face of urgency and a listener who doesn’t hear it, it is likely someone will resort to a yell. I am not speaking about people who yell all the time. I am referring to people who suddenly yell after calmly communicating.


Do You Hear Urgency in Their Calm — Before the Yell?
If not, here are 5 ways to spot urgency and develop this professional listening skill.

1. Find urgency in the bigger picture. I was teaching a public class. The banquet room was to be setup by 7:30am so I could prepare before greeting the students. I walked in to see a room configured incorrectly and no flip charts. I calmly spoke with the hotel rep about the timeframe and ten minutes later — no change. I then said, “Fix this now!”. He quipped, “that’s good, you woke me up” and quickly fixed the problem. To him, my initial calm voice meant it wasn’t urgent. Had he looked at the bigger picture of my needing to get ready before people arrived, he would have heard the urgency in the calm.




2. Find urgency in the need to be acknowledged. Urgency is not always a deadline for action. Often people’s urgency resides in their need to be heard. Paraphrase (not parrot) what they have said. Tell them that you hear what they are saying. This simple technique prevents the yell.




3. Hear urgency in repetition. When they calmly say the same thing twice, hear their urgency and acknowledge it — before the yell.




4. Urgency lives in their lack of knowledge. Your expertise blinds you to their urgency. As they speak and your knowledge is calmly telling you “no problem”, speak up. Communicate solutions. Else get ready for a yell.




5. Hear urgency in the painful past or impending future. Many times people’s urgency comes from previous negative experiences that caused them pain or something they are anticipating. Ask great questions while people are calm to uncover their concerns — before the yell.

Bonus Tip: The more you know about people, the easier it is to prevent the yell. You learn their pet peeves, their personality types, their fears and goals, their frustrations, and how best to respond before the yell.

If you believe that people-skills and relationships are fluff, don’t expect to reach the nirvana of calm communication. It comes from knowing people!

What makes you want to yell?

What have surprising yells taught you that you can share with all of us here at Smart SenseAbilities™?

From my professional experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™™


Related Post: Why Executives Get Impatient With You

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish the content of this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

In my last people-skills post, I wrote that honesty may hurt for a bit but blunt burns forever.

One reader asked me for specific steps to go from blunt to honest for better work relationships. Here they are — from my professional experience to your success.

Image by: Nomadic Lass Creative Commons License


7 Steps From Brutally Blunt to Helpfully Honest

When you are done speaking, do you want others to look and feel like the little blunt above? Or do you want them to see you that way? If not …

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#1 Honor people as well as your purpose and message.

Much of the brutal bluntness comes from focusing only on the message you want to deliver. Oddly enough, it makes the message less clear because the emotion blocks the other person’s listening.

Before speaking, ask yourself what impact your words will have on people. Honesty without honoring the human comes out blunt.

#2 Openness to other possibilities makes you less blunt.

What you say is rarely an absolute fact. There is perspective, conditions, opinions, and the possibility to change. When you live this openness, you are more likely to have a honest dialogue with someone instead of a blunt monologue.

#3 Never start a sentence with the word “you” in difficult situations.

Imagine saying, “You aren’t doing your job” or “You are failing badly.” Starting with “you” sets the hearing up for a blunt attack and a defensive reply.

Saying “Here is what we are expecting from you and this is what you are doing. We need these changes …”. Now the person can hear your message and has specifics on what to change.

#4 Emotion (negative) will come out as brutally blunt.

Say out loud, “Let me put aside my emotion for a moment” and then speak. It shows the other person you want to speak honestly without insulting them. If some of it comes out blunt, at least they will know you are trying.

However, do not use this intro as a justification for being blunt. It doesn’t work. You must be truly trying to honor with honesty.

#5 Sense of proportion reduces the brutality.

Brutally blunt, by definition, is the extreme outpost of communication. Ask yourself, why must you use this extreme and risk inflicting scars? What words, with better proportion, can clearly communicate your message?

#6 Timing and tone of voice transform results.

When some people read the word “timing”, they assume delay. Although you might choose to delay speaking, there are times you can’t. Yet timing also means the pace of your speech.

The faster you speak in tough moments, the more brutal it sounds. Meanwhile, speaking too slowly or softly risks sounding patronizing.

Using a normal even pace of speech communicates honesty and avoids the brutality.

#7 Yes. Thinking “agreement” makes you less blunt.

Insults rarely produce a yes. Helpful does. Replace negative emotion with positive desire – what you want vs. what you don’t want – and then speak.

Even if agreement is not your goal, think “yes” and your words will be more helpfully honest and less brutally blunt.

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Respect is the cushion. It allows you to honor with honesty instead of bullying with bluntness. When disagreeing strongly, state your perspective with “I respectfully disagree.”

Some claim that there are people with whom you must be brutally blunt else they don’t understand. I have met some where subtlety didn’t work. I was more direct not brutally blunt. I still honored with honesty.

Others think they are speaking honestly yet are quite blunt. They inflict scars that block productive relationships and singe success.

The 7 steps above will block the bluntness and give you honest words for success in any situation.


What would you add to this list to save yourself and others from being blunt?

Respectfully and successfully yours,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™


©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

Civility has slipped in the business world. 43% of Americans report incivility in the workplace and it’s clear that bluntness is rampant online.

Those that are blunt claim that it isn’t wrong — it’s honest and authentic. Not true. Blunt is a choice of delivery with serious consequences.

One scientist told me that they sacrifice civility to ensure good science. Yet I have witnessed many serious scientists posing tough honest questions while treating each other with respect.

What’s the difference?

Honesty may hurt for a bit but blunt burns forever!

The impact on leadership and teamwork.

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Leaders and teams soar with respectful honesty.

They labor hard under the burn of bluntness.

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Honest respectful feedback breaks invisible barriers. It fuels totally unforeseen greatness.

Blunt criticism leaves an emotional scar that tamps the desire to take a chance or fuels the desire to react in kind. Both of these reactions sidetrack greatness.

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Honesty opens the door of leadership and teamwork to discussion, sharing, and growth.

Bluntness slams it shut.

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Honesty is more powerful than blunt communication. Honesty is served on a cushion of respect that eases hearing and acceptance.

Without the emotion of bluntness, honesty can be heard purely for its message.

Leadership, teamwork, and career success take on new dimensions when honesty is given and received. Bluntness has no such power.

Which will you choose?


From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times of change. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results.

Leaders, what do you expect of your team members about whistle blowing? If a team member is slacking off, not contributing to the mission, working against the mission — is it the duty of other team members to speak up about it? If yes, whom should they speak to?

Or would you see this as a disloyalty and poor teamwork? Many reply it depends on the situation.

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My questions to leaders:

Do your team members think whistle blowing is a duty or disloyalty? Do they know what you think? Have you discussed this openly with the team?

So often when a team forms, there is great focus on purpose, goals, and getting to know each other. It is a good beginning for a productive team.

Yet productivity, morale, and results can plummet where confusion reigns around whistle blowing.

1. Will I be seen as a rat?
2. What retribution will I suffer?
3. Will the leader see this as intruding on his/her domain?
4. Will the leader label me a trouble maker?

In the worst case of this confusion, cliques can develop, negativity can spread, and time is spent griping vs. working. A recent development – employees were fired for Facebook posts decrying a peer who was slacking off and The National Labor Relations Board judge ruled the employees back to work.

Having the conversation at work vs. griping on Facebook is far more valuable! How sure are you that your team knows your position  — duty or disloyalty?  Have you ever said to yourself, “why didn’t they tell me before it got so bad?”


The Valuable Conversation
If you are ready to broach the subject, these guidelines deliver.

The Focus: Team ownership of the results and reaching full potential. Is this team trying to be a high performance team? What does that mean? What impact does individual commitment and performance ultimately have on results?

Trust: Spend time discussing it. How do each assess trust? What can team members do to sustain trust when disagreeing and/or speaking up about poor performance?

The Approach: State perceptions and ask questions instead of declaring and accusing. Statements worded as perceptions followed by questions keep communication flowing. Declarations by peers can be inaccurate and accusatory questions can build resentments.

There are many times when having this conversation is critical: Forming a new team, becoming the new leader of an existing team, bringing on new team members, merging teams into one, and before major changes or stress.

It may not be the most comfortable conversation yet not having it breeds more discomfort.

I am happy to provide you with more targeted details for having this conversation, info@katenasser.com.

From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach


What do you think? Is it a duty or a disloyalty?

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, Masters Org. Psychology, turns interaction obstacles into teamwork and business success. From inspiration to action, Kate will help you fill the gaps of diversity with business wins. See this site for custom workshop info, customer results, and book Kate now.

Non-intuitives and many technical professionals tell me that mastering the not so obvious aspects of people-skills (soft skills or interpersonal skills) is a real head scratcher. Where are the people-skills rules?

Scratch your head no more. If you have the desire to connect well with others, you can master and use these 15 not so obvious people-skills so that everything stacks up.

If you’re not sure why it matters, consider that people-skills impact comprehension, influence, and trust. All of that impact what you can achieve with others — the results.

15 People-Skills Must Knows (USA)

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1. People cannot observe your intentions so they infer them from your words and tone of voice. State your intention to minimize confusion.




2. Everything you say impacts others emotionally. Even if you stick to the facts, your message leaves a human mark. Consider a doctor telling a patient “You have cancer” and then leaving the room. The lack of empathy inflicts extra pain.




3. Basic etiquette is a starting point for connection with others. Rules of etiquette are more relaxed today than years ago yet they are still a powerful base to rely on when meeting new people.




4. Ask people how they feel and/or what they think; don’t tell them “I’m sure you feel”. It shuts out dialogue and seems presumptuous.




5. Addressing someone by name (or at least surname or title), eases tension and helps communication. In the South, start with sir/ma’am.




6. A handshake is your silent resume. Make it great. If someone extends their hand to you, give them more than your finger tips. A “finger tip” shake tells the other person no, I don’t like you, I don’t trust you. Shake the hand all the way to the thumb joint, up and down, with eye contact.
   
   

7. Words can woo or wound. To succeed, create bonds with your words and tone of voice — not scars. Speak the truth with tact and caring. Blunt burns forever.




8. Sarcasm is often misunderstood especially in tough times. With those you don’t know well, skip the sarcasm. Leave it to the late night comics. With those you know well, don’t direct it at them. It is often seen as an attack.




9. Good questions unearth possibilities for connection, results, and success. Ask open-ended questions to learn; closed-ended to confirm. People who do well with others, ask more open-ended questions than closed and are thus seen as more open than closed.




10. Use focused words instead of minimizing words. For example, primarily is a focused word whereas just and only are minimizing words. “Are you just concerned about the deadline?” can minimize someone’s perspective and sound dismissive. “Are you primarily concerned about the deadline?” can fuel a valuable discussion. “What are your primary concerns?” is even better because it is open-ended and allows for true perspective.




11. Great listening is about balance. Too much silence or too much talking can be annoying. The former is also seen as manipulative, the latter as self-absorbed.




12. Ask permission to give help before offering advice. Else you may come across as intrusive and patronizing.




13. If someone thinks you have flattered them with your words or actions, don’t tell them you didn’t mean to! This is not the time to give literal details. It’s the time to simply say, you’re welcome.




14. One “I told you so” sticks forever. Even if you don’t use those words, the message becomes your blatant blemish. People will avoid interacting with you to spare themselves the emotional scourge. Celebrate your foresight silently.




15. Authenticity and adaptation are not contradictory behaviors. Today’s trend is to be your authentic self. Sure — as long as you adapt to others when interacting. Being yourself without adapting paints you as a boorish nit and earns you the label of selfish and/or self-absorbed.

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What will keep you using these 15 people-skills? Desire and results, pure and simple. Lack of desire will inhibit your progress.

As I was teaching one day, a technical professional in the room showed high resistance. At break, I asked him privately if he wanted me to explain anything again or differently. He said no — that he understood. He doesn’t use the people-skills because “it’s just too much trouble! If people want his help, they will adapt to him.” Quite a decision. It will hold him back.

If you are not in a position of leadership yet strive to be, improving your people-skills will be essential. Here’s a related post — Leaders, Develop Your Intuition — to take you beyond the 15 people-skills must knows to even grander connections.


From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach™, is a former techie (BS Mathematics) turned people-skills guru with a natural intuition about people. Her consultations, workshops, and coaching transform your primarily occupational focus into business success with leading change and great teamwork. From inspiration to action, Kate will help you fill the gaps of diversity with business wins. See this site for workshop info, customer results, and book Kate now.

Leaders, are you conflicted when your best performer is change resistant? As I highlight a change resistor to leaders who engage my consulting and training, many have said to me “but this person is our best performer!”


Behind that short reply from leaders is great risk to the success that lies ahead. Because of this, I ask leaders, can a change resistor get you to Oz? No and neither can denial.

Leading to Oz

1. Leaders, your shock and disappointment are normal. Your denial, deadly. Any employee can be a change resistor. Occupational performance does not guarantee change-ability.




2. Be ready for a show down in the evil forest. Some top performers believe they are indispensable and can resist the change. Before initiating significant change, know what internal and external resources you have to keep everything moving ahead. It also helps the resistors see they are not indispensable.




3. Replace your fear of performance loss with courage and belief in your vision. Most team members will buy into and even contribute to organizational change if they see that it is not debatable and understand what the vision means for them.




4. Redefine performance to include change-ability. Long term success means adapting to change. Discuss this with your team members and let them know that their skill is valuable if they apply it to a changing vision.




5. Top performers and high achievers sometimes want an extremely clear picture of the change before they buy into it because they want to be seen as a high achiever throughout the process. That is not always available. Other high achievers trust in their ability to succeed even in ambiguity.

   Let everyone know that you trust in their ability and know their will be ups and downs throughout the change. Commitment and focus is the key — not perfection.

What other factors contribute to a top performer resisting change instead of helping to lead change?

From my experience to your success,
Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach

©2011 Kate Nasser, CAS, Inc. Somerville, NJ. If you want to re-post or republish this post, please email info@katenasser.com. Thank you for respecting intellectual capital.

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Kate Nasser, The People-Skills Coach, delivers consulting, training, DVDs, and keynotes that turn interaction obstacles into business success especially in tough times. See this site for workshops outlines and customer results. Lead change with vision, courage, and communication.